Talk With Dr. Abiodun

Dr. Abiodun O. — Relationship Mentor & Author

You are one of the good ones.

You know it. Your friends know it. Your church family knows it.

You show up. You serve. You pray with real faith — not performance, not show. You have kept yourself in a world that tells you keeping yourself is old-fashioned and naive. You have standards — not because someone told you to, but because you actually believe in something.

And yet.

Here you are.

Another Sunday. Another singles programme where the speaker says all the right things and you take notes and clap and say amen — and then walk to your car alone.

Another WhatsApp group notification. Someone is engaged. You type the congratulations emoji before you have even processed the feeling sitting in your chest.

God, what is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. But something is happening — and nobody has been honest enough to tell you what it is.

The men you respect never seem to see you that way. The ones who approach you are either unavailable, unserious, or completely wrong for you. The ones you actually want — the grounded ones, the intentional ones, the men who would actually show up — they smile at you in passing and keep walking.

And you have tried everything they told you to try.

You have fasted. You have declared. You have written the qualities in a journal so many times the pages are worn. You have attended the retreats. You have sat under the teaching and received the prophecy and smiled and said "God's time is the best."

But inside — deep inside, where you don't let anyone go — a quieter voice is asking something you are almost afraid to think:

What if God's timing isn't actually the issue here?

What if there is something practical — something real and fixable — that nobody has ever thought to tell you? Something that has nothing to do with your worth, your beauty, your faith, or your future?

What if the reason serious men are not choosing you has nothing to do with who you are — and everything to do with something you are doing that you don't even know you're doing?

Drop everything you are doing right now and read every word I am about to say.

Let me tell you something first.

The advice you have been receiving has mostly come from women. Married women. Female pastors. Female relationship authors. Women who love you, who mean well, who are telling you the most truthful things they know.

But they cannot tell you what they do not know.

They cannot tell you what happens inside a serious man's mind in the first two encounters with a woman. They cannot tell you the specific, invisible signals that make him decide — quietly, quickly, sometimes within minutes — whether you are someone he pursues or someone he files away as a church friend. They have never been on that side of the decision. They cannot report from a place they have never been.

I can.

My name is Dr. Abiodun O.

I am not a therapist. I am not a relationship coach with a certificate on my wall. I am a man — a serious, grounded, deeply spiritual man — who has spent years watching this pattern repeat itself with some of the most remarkable women I know.

Women who prayed harder than anyone I knew. Women who were more beautiful on the inside than most people could articulate. Women who were doing everything right.

And still waiting.

I have been the man on the other side of that decision more times than I can count. I have watched intentional men — men I know personally, men who were genuinely ready — look at a woman they were initially drawn to, observe something in the first interaction or two, and quietly redirect their attention elsewhere. Without a word. Without an explanation. Without ever telling her what shifted.

I have been in the conversations afterwards. I know what they said. I know what they noticed. I know the exact thing that changed.

And for a long time, I kept that knowledge to myself — the way men do. We don't talk about these things. Not because we are malicious. But because nobody ever thought to ask us directly, and the women in our lives were getting advice from everywhere except the one place that would actually help.

I want to tell you about a woman I will call Temi.

Temi is someone I have known since university. She is the kind of woman people use as an example in sermons. Brilliant, warm, spiritually rooted in a way that wasn't performance — it was just who she was. She carried herself with this quiet dignity that made people pay attention when she walked into a room.

She was also single at 30. And the silence around that fact was deafening.

I watched Temi try everything. She attended three different singles conferences in one year. She went on a 40-day fast specifically for this. She got counselling from two married women in her church whose advice, combined, amounted to: "Be patient. The right one is coming."

I watched serious men enter her life and leave it without ever making a move. Not because they found her unattractive. Not because she wasn't ready. Not because God had forgotten her.

But because of something she was doing — unconsciously, consistently — that sent a specific signal to intentional men that she was unavailable. Not romantically unavailable. Emotionally inaccessible.

There is a difference. A critical one. And nobody had ever explained it to her.

Temi is not alone. I have watched this pattern with my own female friends, with women who have come to me for counsel, with women in my community who are genuinely ready but are inadvertently communicating something different.

And after years of observing this — after dozens of honest conversations with men who walked away from women they were initially drawn to — I started to see the pattern clearly.

Let me be specific about what I mean. Because vague is useless to you at this point.

Most godly women have been taught — correctly — to guard their hearts. To have standards. To not be too eager. To focus on God and let the man find them. Every single piece of that is true.

But somewhere between the truth and the application, something goes wrong.

The guarding becomes walls. The standards become a posture that reads as cold or unapproachable to a man who is watching carefully. The "not being too eager" becomes an emotional unavailability that makes him feel that pursuit would be unwelcome. The "focusing on God" becomes a kind of spiritual performance — being the most visible, most serving, most involved woman in every room — that actually signals to serious men that she has no room in her life for something new.

None of this is her fault. She was never told the second half of the instruction.

She was told to be available. No one told her how to be accessible.

She was told to have standards. No one told her that the way she carries those standards can either draw a serious man toward her or make him feel that approaching her would be an exercise in rejection.

She was told the right man would find her. No one told her that finding is a two-part process — and that her positioning determines whether he sees her as the destination or passes her as scenery.

I have had honest conversations with men — grounded, marriage-minded men — who have walked away from women they were genuinely interested in. Not because those women were lacking anything. But because within the first two encounters, something communicated "this is not a door that opens."

They did not say this to hurt anyone. They often felt conflicted about it themselves. But they made the decision quietly, the way serious men make decisions — with very little drama and very few words.

And the woman never knew.

She kept praying. She kept waiting. She kept attending programmes and writing in journals and telling herself God's timing is perfect — while the answer to her prayer walked past her twice and kept going because she didn't know what she was communicating.

This is what wrecked me enough to finally write this.

I am not dismissing prayer. I am not dismissing faith. I am a church man — I understand the waiting seasons, the declarations, the genuine spiritual hunger that makes a godly woman who she is. That foundation is not the problem.

The problem is that spiritual preparation without practical positioning is like buying a beautiful house and leaving it with no address. God can send the man. But if she is not positioned in a way that makes her findable — really findable — he will walk past the property without knowing it was meant for him.

I spent months pulling together everything I have observed, everything men I know have told me in honest conversation, and everything I have watched work in real relationships around me. I organised it into a framework that is spiritually consistent and practically actionable.

Then I had two women close to me read the draft. One of them cried at chapter two. Not from sadness. From recognition.

"This is exactly what has been happening to me," she said. "Why has nobody ever said this?"

That is why I am saying it now.

I get messages every week from women asking me questions I cannot answer individually — about specific men, specific situations, specific conversations that went cold without explanation.

I cannot give everyone individual counsel. But I can give everyone the framework.

So I put everything into one guide. The full picture. The male-perspective intelligence. The specific positioning moves. The spiritual and practical integration. The scripts. The red flags. The green flags. All of it — written honestly, from the inside.

Introducing...

Questions? Email: abioduntobbiey@gmail.com